The past few days, I’ve found it difficult to sit down and write. That’s somewhat unlike me. Once I get an idea in my head, I can hammer out a blog or a video pretty quickly. This is a weird funk in which I currently find myself. I sit down at my computer and the words just don’t come together in coherent thoughts. I delete everything I’ve typed, close my laptop, and tell myself I’ll try again later.
I believe I’m finding it so difficult to write because my thoughts are preoccupied. There is something that I have simultaneously wanted to write about and have avoided. The few times I’ve thought about sharing what’s actually on my mind, I end up getting cold feet. I’m not sure why that is. I’m no stranger to being completely honest and transparent. What is going on with me? Well, I’ve come the conclusion that I just don’t know how to articulate heartache. But, I’m willing to try today.
See, here’s what’s been on my mind: I recently made the very difficult decision to leave my church. This was a choice that, sadly, I had to make alone. I wish my husband could’ve played a part in this decision but he is not a Christian. (That may be another blog for another day.) I didn’t take this decision lightly. I prayed about it continuously, I sought counsel, and I met with leaders in the church. While I don’t believe it is necessary or appropriate for me to air out all the details of this decision, I believe I made the right choice in disconnecting from my church.
I’ve been so afraid that I’ll be called a church-hopper or it’ll be supposed that I believe church is all about me. Perhaps you will come to the conclusion that I didn’t like the music or there wasn’t a fancy enough coffee bar at my church. I’ve become defensive before anyone has given me reason to. I feel the need to assure everyone that I was quite justified, even though no one asked.
This whole debacle has left me with quite a bit of heartache. While my decision to leave my church was my own, it is still painful. Again, how do I begin to articulate this heartache? How do I express to fellow Christians that, often, the way we behave is just wrong. What is the most heart-wrenching about all this is that my situation is not unique. My experiences are quite representative of the norm. I’ve seen blogs, videos, and listened to podcasts where in which Christians express concerns identical to my own.
Our sermons are water-downed at best; heretical at worst. Church has become a social club where we gather to make ourselves feel good. We’re most focused on looking right than doing right. We invest more money in theatrical lights and sounds boards than community outreach. Christians can be down-right cruel in the name of “tough love”. I could go on but, as I said, this has become the norm.
I start to wonder, is there a church that actually cares about serving their community? Is there a church whose members care about sharing the Gospel? Are there pastors who actually preach from the Bible? I start to wonder and it’s really starting to drain me. I know these churches do exist, but it seems as if I’m having a hard time finding them…
However, I know I can’t give up on the church. I don’t mean to sounds pompous, but I know how important church is. The assembly of the saints is a crucial part of the Christian life and I don’t wish to forsake that. Too many Christians are flustered by the church but they choose to disengage completely. If we all leave, what will be left? We need Christians who actually care to stay and work. Again, I truly don’t mean that arrogantly. I don’t mean to say that I’m a perfect Christian and others should follow my example. No, I’m simply stating that I know that church is important and I will find another church to plug into. Yes, the American church is facing some trouble, but I’m not willing to give up completely. I walked away from one church, not the church as a whole.
In conclusion, I know this blog is a bit of a drag. Certainly this is not my most encouraging post, but I did feel it was necessary. If you’ve made it this far, thanks for listening (well, reading). If you have any thoughts, let me hear them.
P.S. On a more positive note, we may be starting a podcast. Let us know if that’s something you’d be interested in.
Take care and God bless!